Security footage from Friday
🚨 EMERGENCY UPDATE FROM CORPORATE 🚨
So... security found me.
Apparently you can't just "dress as Santa and ambush people with free supplements in a public locker room."
They used the word "assault" seventeen times. My lawyer used it zero times because he was laughing too hard to speak.
BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM:
While I was being escorted out by three security guards (all of whom are now Vintage Muscle customers, by the way), something INSANE happened:
You animals CRUSHED our inventory.
I'm talking:
• Power Pills selection: 52% depleted across all variants
• FlexFit hats: 127 remaining (down from 400)
• Magnetic gym bags: 68 left in stock
My nephew... who apparently runs this company now because I'm "compromised" just walked into my holding cell and showed me this:
CRAYON DRAWING #2 (by 9-year-old CFO):
📉 PRODUCTS
📈 ANGRY CUSTOMERS
He said: "Uncle, people are going to be BIG MAD."
🚨 48-HOUR FINAL STAND 🚨
Same codes. Same insane bonuses.
→ BF15 — $15 off $49+ (Power Pills stock getting thin)
→ BF40 — $40 off $99+ (hats moving fast)
→ BF100 — $100 off $199+ (gym bags under 70 units)
SPEND $50+ →
💊 FREE Power Pills
*Some variants already sold out*
SPEND $150+ →
💊 FREE Power Pills + 🧢 FlexFit Hat
*Hats going 15-20 per hour*
SPEND $250+ → 💥
💊 2x Power Pills + 🧢 Hat + 👜 Gym Bag
*Gym bags at critical levels*
| ⚠️ RAID THE WAREHOUSE NOW → |
⚡ REAL-TIME CRISIS UPDATE ⚡
Every hour, we're moving 30-40 bonus items.
I'm literally watching it happen from my nephew's iPad while he eats Goldfish crackers and makes decisions that would make Warren Buffett nervous.
Yesterday 3pm: Started with 400 FlexFit hats
This morning 9am: Down to 184
RIGHT NOW: 127 and dropping
This isn't a sales email anymore.
This is a hostage situation and the hostages are bonus items.
You have 48 hours before:
1. We're sold out of the good bonus variants
2. The warehouse revolts and quits shipping
3. My nephew fires me and takes over the company
4. Security shares the footage
Look, I don't beg.
But my nephew is now eating MY protein bars while watching the inventory counter, and honestly? He's better at this than me. He's talking about "reducing discount depth" and "protecting margins."
I created a monster.
Don't let him win.
| SAVE YOURSELF (AND ME) → |
— The Vintage Muscle Team
(Currently under new management: A 9-year-old with a crayon and a dream)
P.S. — If you're reading this and haven't ordered yet, at current pace your favorite stacks may be out of stock soon. My nephew says I'm being "dramatic" but he also just updated the spreadsheet (HE MADE A SPREADSHEET) with a projection that has me concerned.
| 🔥 SHOP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE 🔥 |
50 W. Broadway #333, Salt Lake City, Utah 84101, USA